Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Outside Looking In

It's been several days now that I've felt somehow unreal. I float along, experiencing different challenges, like the Colorado trip, as well as feelings, like sorrow about my daughter. Those challenging times resulted in the needs to focus intensely and to expend bursts of energy that depleted my reserves. Now it seems as if I am looking in, observing each experience from outside of my own body. Taste, smell, hearing, even pain seems somehow muted, as if switched into energy saving mode so as not to be wasteful. No extravagance! I retain both physical senses and emotions, but both are toned way down and add little to the quality of life.
Still, I resolve to go through the motions, working, cleaning the house, paying the bills. Nothing seems that important; it's just there, the daily routine that needs to be done. Perhaps the emotional toll that my daughter's problems have wrought, or perhaps the complete physical exhaustion of the mountain hike have contributed to this. I am de-energized, de-emotionalized, if there is such a thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not concerned, necessarily. I'm not happy or unhappy, worried or excited. I just am. And right now that seems to be enough.
Perhaps it is the body's way of de-stressing itself from constant turmoil. Just "to be," not to do or to solve or to fix anything. I don't need to have answers at this point in time. It is enough to live with uncertainty, just co-existing with all that happens around me. It is good, for now, I think. But good or not, it's all that I'm capable of for the time being.


Tao Master said...

Congratulations! You have reached what the Taoists call 'the Blank Slate'. This is a very important stage because it allows us to realize just how much energy we humans use to conduct our 'normal' life. The power of the Blank Slate is in learning to let go - I also hope you are feeling better - I bet you got to see some awesome views in the mountains. Keep Writing - Frank

butterfly woman said...

Your awareness of detaching yourself from the external world, I think it's necessary for you at this point to get through what you have lately experienced. de-emotionalized is a very interesting word, I feel that way somtimes myself, a coping device. Nevertheless, keep writing about where you are at, every day if possible, I think it is a good healing tool for you. And I, too, get healing from your words. Thanks.